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the world according to faffers' Journal

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13th September 2006

dragondream9:01pm: no good deed goes unpunished.
think about that one for a while... :/

13th December 2004

elf9:14am: ask, and yay verily ye shall receive.
then you get to figure out what the heck it means, and what in hell to do with it.

but, in deference to previous lessons: it's all small stuff.

12th December 2004

dragondream10:21pm: you had so much to offer.
why did you offer your soul?
Current Mood: nostalgic

15th September 2004

faffers8:03pm: ...
and it's all small stuff.

28th January 2004

faffers10:47pm: procrastination is the moss that grows on civilization's rolling stone.

(it just came to me)

12th December 2003

faffers2:49pm: as frustrating as my situation has been the last weeks (months), there is something important for me to learn there. and as you all know, if i can learn something from it, well, it still may suck but at least it's worthwhile. i feel like the things i'm trying to do - these skills i should have developed 5-8 years ago when i was in high school and everyone else was doing this kind of thing. i'm different, and that's fine. better late than never. and i think it is better.

13th July 2003

faffers5:01pm: 7/13
i think i value only independence over honesty. when i am dishonest (which i try to keep to a minimum) it is in order to preserve my independence. i was thinking about the conflict between privacy and honesty yesterday, though. it's related to independence. i am a private person. it might be hard to tell from here. i'm not sure. it's not resolved.

12th July 2003

faffers1:08am: 7/11
turns out, i am one sarcastic sumbitch. it's really amazing that people can put up with me. but that's why i don't react to sarcasm - it's just normal for me. i may need to tone that down a bit. and i'm not sure how well it gels with the whole absolute-honesty thing. it's just hard to tell since i don't talk that much. hum.

10th July 2003

faffers1:30am: 7/10
i can feel the world getting smaller. people - not just one person, but more than one person - doing things in places i've never visited. it's odd. because they're real - i've seen them, heard them, felt them - but they're not in the context from which i know them. it's so strange. but i have a feeling that i'm not explaining it very well.

it's just - we're so mobile. what does it matter how big the world is, as long as we can get there from here? banking on subtlety here and not egotism, i feel like people i've influenced are changing things over there. how strange.

3rd July 2003

faffers12:57am: 7/3
feelings of inadequacy and jealousy should be easy to distinguish. hum. better late than never?

2nd July 2003

faffers12:19pm: 7/2
i thought, but didn't say: if it wasn't bananas, it'd be something else.

24th April 2003

faffers8:51am: 4/24
i think some people have super powers. not like flying or breathing underwater or "spidey-sense" but regular things they're just really really good at. i mean, obviously that's true. but i think they should be called super powers.

22nd April 2003

faffers11:37am: 4/22
i don't buy it that everyone is the same. in fact, i hate that idea. it offends me. and i know it's not p.c., but thank god that fad is dying.

i'm not a racist, though. individual differences are more important than group differences, and on the group level, cultural differences are more important than racial differences. i don't even believe in race. it's bunk.

15th April 2003

faffers11:39pm: 4/15
here's my problem (one of them, anyway): i second guess myself too much. whether i give something a lot of thought or do it spontaneously, if the outcome isn't extraordinarily positive, i'll think i did the wrong thing. which isn't good, because if i listen to that nagging voice i'd never do anything at all. i'm close enough to that as it is. bugger.
Current Mood: tired

9th April 2003

faffers9:40am: 4/9
i just found this out yesterday - i thought it had deep implications. my phil prof said that there was a strong mainstream movement in the u.s. south to abolish slavery in the late 18th c, before the cotton gin was invented. the idea was that slaves - get this - were too expensive. you had to house, feed, and clothe slaves, but if you had low-wage workers instead, you could lay them off when business was slow and not be responsible for them. at this time, many slaves worked in high-skill jobs and were literate. then the cotton gin came along, and workers were needed for stuff that no one would do willingly for any wage, and treatment of slaves got a lot worse.

but the interesting part is that people - top thinkers (though rich white men) - saw paying wages as a better way to get work out of the poor masses than actual slavery. the capitalist engine didn't work with the responsibility required for human ownership. isn't that scary? it parallels the collapse of feudalism in europe - monarchs lost power to demand allegiance so they started offering wages, so children wouldn't stay home and keep the family farm self-sufficient (and rulers passed game laws so the less affluent couldn't hunt for food, either) and made everyone dependent on earning wages. same thing with urbanization in the u.s. factories weren't just to increase production. they were designed to make workers dependent on the wages they earned, keep them working long hours, and maybe even keep them in a central location where control was easier.

hmph.
faffers9:38am: 4/9
two things - this one first since it's not as important. i think i have an anti-flirtation system in my brain, so that when i "like" someone, i don't flirt with anyone. it's of limited usefulness, and i'm considering having it removed.

1st April 2003

faffers11:28am: 4/1
i've decided that "be yourself" is crap advice. it's ineffectual. or maybe it's just oversimplified. because i can be myself a lot of different ways - but i think it's better advice to show people the things they'll appreciate rather than do whatever you want to do. doesn't that make sense? yet i hadn't thought of it before, until yesterday when i was walking along the snowy sidewalk. if i want someone to notice me, i should behave in ways that she appreciates. i won't get into the implications, because it's complicated, but i think it's a good step as far as building up the person others see.

23rd March 2003

faffers10:39am: 3/23
to reiterate - i'd rather do things that don't need to be cleaned up than clean up myself. i think it's related to my fetish against (anti-fetish?) backtracking. i'd rather do something the first time i'm somewhere than have to go back and do it another time. i thought of that in the shower this morning.

18th March 2003

faffers12:29pm: 3/18
i found out yesterday that erik actually was married. i'd heard him say "ex-wife" before, but assumed he was kidding. it's very very odd to imagine him being married.

6th March 2003

faffers3:12pm: 3/6
maybe i've said this before - but i think that no one really knows what they're doing. confidence is merely pretending to know what you're doing.

3rd March 2003

faffers9:41pm: 3/3
more of a question, less of an answer.

what do you do when you want to lose hope? when you know better than to do anything, because you've learned that lesson before, how do you get it out of your head that there's a chance? i'm not built for it. i want to hold on as long as i can, but i know it would be better if i could let go. but how do i make myself let go?

1st March 2003

faffers1:06am: 2/28
Erik and Jose worked together somewhere before CAST. I'm not sure why I didn't know that - had to go to Erik's condo instead of playing basketball to find out. Go figure.

18th February 2003

faffers11:13pm: 2/18
honest eyes.

i have a problem with eye contact - i think i've mentioned it before. but when she talks to me, her eyes go right through me. i don't think she blinked while she was talking to me. she certainly didn't look away.

but i'm thinking, that might be why i thought she was vacant when we first met. but it's not a glazed stare, or unfocused. it's intense, even if you can't hear it in her voice or see it in the rest of her face.

i wonder what it would be like to know her better. she seems so good, but i wonder if there's more behind that intensity than she lets on. but i have to be good. all i can do is wonder.
Current Mood: thoughtful

14th February 2003

faffers12:29pm: 2/14
so, here's a problem. i don't trust people. or i trust people in the wrong way. i trust words more than actions - but words are flexible and prone to misinterpretation. then i don't lie with my words, but acting in a way that misleads others - well, it bothers me, but i don't feel like it's as bad. or i didn't. maybe now i will, that i realise it's what i do.

12th February 2003

faffers12:40pm: 2/12
I think that I tend to be attracted to girls who look like monkeys. Or apes. Girls that have a lesser degree of the facial features that distinguish humans from other primates. We learned all about it in my human evolution class. Not about sexual preferences for it, but the general concept. It's not a racial thing - my experiences haven't fallen into those ugly stereotypes. I think people can be beautiful with any skin colour or hair type. Don't get me wrong - these women are still pretty. I'm not saying I'm attracted to people with snouts.

I wonder if it's one of those kinks that develops at a young age. I liked monkeys when I was a kid (and apes, but I didn't know the difference). Maybe children who like improbably long-legged animals such as giraffes develop Amazon fetishes. Little boys who like chickens become breast men.

I don't actually know if sexual predilections are programmed at a young age, but Neal Stephenson says they are.

For me it's not a fetish. It's not a first-cut criterion. Just a preference. I guess those can degenerate into fetishes pretty quickly, though. Anyway, I think it would be a fantastic way to break up with someone. "I think you're very special. You just don't look enough like a monkey for me."

No? I might use it in a novel anyway.
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